25 Fun Ways to Irritate Wolverine
by Raintail of Riverclan
Summary: Three friends at the Xavier Institute- Jaguar, Frostragon, and Thunder- are striving to complete their mission: To drive Wolverine completely insane! Laugh as they explode motorcycles, spray paint things hot pink, and otherwise annoy Logan!
1. Way 1

**Hi! This is my first X-men: Evolution fanfic, so tell me if this can be improved. Hope you like it! ; )**

**Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men: Evolution.**

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><p><strong>Way Number 1: <strong>Explode his Motorcycle

A young teenage girl with blond hair slipped into the shadows of the garage. Her chocolate-brown eyes darted around nervously, searching the room for any sign of life. But all was still. She relaxed, stepping into the light, revealing her cat ears, tail, and the jaguar spots in her hair, as well as her costume, which featured the letter "X" on the belt. The girl stepped over to a flame-print motorcycle. A blue helmet was resting on its seat.

She giggled.

"Looks like Jaguar's gonna have some fun," she said to herself.

Jaguar put on the helmet and started the engine. She crashed through the wall and created a pretty sizeable hole. Laughing maniacally, she drove crazily through the corridor, knocking down everything.

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><p>A girl with blue-white hair, wearing a light blue t-shirt and jeans, fidgeted impatiently in the library. Where was Jaguar? Mutant teenagers searched for books in the labyrinth of bookshelves. Normally, the mutant named Frostragon would be happy to join them. But not today. Today, she and her two best friends were going to pull a stunt. A really big stunt.<p>

_Vrroooomm_

_Could that be her? _Frostragon wondered.

To answer her question, it was indeed Jaguar. The yellow motorcycle crashed through the wall, causing the students in the library to scatter.

"Hey, Frostragon!" Jaguar called, tossing the helmet aside, where it collided with the head of an unlucky Bobby Drake. In alarm, he accidentally froze it to his head. He jumped around screaming, 'It's stuck! It's stuck!'

"Well," Jaguar said, "come on."

Frostragon clambered onto the motorbike. They both sped off.

Meanwhile, Wolverine was having a quiet, peaceful breakfast. Well, not exactly peaceful, with all the kids eating and talking and exploding eggs. But it was the most peaceful thing in the world compared to the chaos that was about to ensue.

The motorcycle broke yet another wall as it crashed into the breakfast hall.

The eating stopped.

"About time!"

A girl, not yet a teen, with storm-gray hair was glaring at the two older mutants.

"I've been waiting for ages!" She hopped onto the vehicle.

"Uh, Logan?" one of the students said nervously.

"What do ya want, kid?" he growled, spearing a sausage on his claws.

"I think you should see for yourself."

Logan looked up from his meat at the three mutants on his bike. He jumped up, unsheathing his claws.

"Bub, get off my motorcycle," he growled menacingly at the trio of girls, brandishing his sausage-claw.

"Yea-no," Jaguar said. "Thunder, distract him"

"Gladly." The younger girl smiled. She pointed at the ceiling above Wolverine and an arch of blue lightning shot from her fingertip, collapsing the ceiling above him. Wolverine did a back flip, avoiding the chunks of ceiling. She fired again, this time at Wolverine's sausage, frying it to a crisp and throwing him backwards.

"Awww," Frostragon complained. "That was the last piece of sausage."

Logan quickly recovered.

"Alright, bub, I'll give you three seconds to return my bike. Or else you get on my bad side."

"Already there," Thunder muttered.

"Yeah, right," scoffed Jaguar.

She revved the bike's engine like a racecar and sped off.

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><p>The many students of the Xavier Institute stopped and stared after they had jumped out of the way of the speeding, out-of-control motorbike and Logan, who was still pursuing his stolen bike.<p>

"I wonder what this does," Jaguar said, pressing a red button on the bike. Two laser cannons slid out of the back of the motorcycle. They began to fire at Logan. He leapt out of the way, growling at the girls. He began to speed up.

"He's gaining on us!" Thunder yelled.

Jaguar pressed a random blue button. Immediately, the cannons began to fire confetti instead of red lasers.

"Wrong button!" Frostragon yelled.

She began to grow white scales. Bat-like blue-white wings sprouted from her back.

The bike still going, she leapt up and came down as a dragon. Frostragon roared, and snowflakes flew across the room. One flew up Logan's left nostril, which caused him to sneeze uncontrollably.

The frosty dragon buffeted the air with its ice-blue wings, sending all the people in the room tumbling backwards. Wolverine managed to sink his claws into the floor. He slowly made his way toward Frostragon, snarling.

She looked behind her at the bike rounding the corner and shouted: _Wait for me!_

She flew up to the bike, landing on top of Thunder, thankfully, in human form.

Jaguar glanced at the rear view mirror. Above the fine print reading: _Objects are farther than they appear_, she saw Wolverine gaining on them. Thinking fast, she swerved into an open doorway. The doors closed, revealing the words: DANGER ROOM.

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><p>"Uh, Jaguar, where are we?" Thunder asked nervously, her voice echoing around the huge room.<p>

A laser cannon slid out of each wall, each one turning to face the motorcycle.

"I don't know, but it's not anywhere good!" Jaguar shouted. Each girl leapt from the bike just as the lasers fired.

BOOM!

The motorbike exploded, and the lasers slid back into the walls.

Frostragon looked at her two friends.

"When Logan finds out, he's going to ki-"

Wolverine slashed open the door. He looked at the smoking motorcycle parts scattered around the room. Just when the three girls thought they were toast, his claws slid back in and he began bawling.

"Uh, Logan, are you alright?" Jaguar asked with concern.

"No!" he whined. "You just blew up my motorcycleeeee !" He sobbed harder.

Professor Xavier came in the room in his wheelchair.

"Logan, what is this all..." his voice trailed off as he saw Logan on the floor crying.

"They killed my bike!" he bawled.

_What does he mean? _Professor Xavier asked telepathically. _And why is he crying?_

_We blew up his motorcycle! _Thunder said gleefully.

_I see, _replied Xavier.

He went over to the sobbing Wolverine.

"Logan," he said.

Wolverine looked up, his eyes red from tears. He sniffled.

"It was so young," he muttered.

Professor Xavier slapped him, hard.

"Ow!" Logan glared at him. "What was that for!"

"Sorry, my friend," Xavier said. "But you have to admit, it was effective.

"And as for you," he said, turning to the three girls, "I think that Logan has the right to punish you."

"Ten months cleaning the X-jet," Wolverine said. "And starting tomorrow, every day for a month, will wake up at the crack of dawn and have a Danger Room session with me."

"Awwww!" all the girls complained.

"But we-" Jaguar began.

"No buts!" Wolverine growled. "Considering how thoroughly you destroyed it, I'm letting you off easy."

He walked out of the room, as did Xavier.

"It was worth it," Frostragon said.

"Definitely," Thunder agreed.

The three friends skipped off to the hangar to start their ten months of punishment.

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><p><strong>So, did ya likey? If there's anything I can improve, feel<strong> **free** **to criticize. Also, free imaginary ice cream to those who review! ** ;D


	2. Way 2

**Did you ever notice how Wolverine's uniform changes in Season 3? Well, this is to explain why. And now, REVIEW ANSWERS!**

**Thanks for the reviews! I'm so glad you three like it! =D And, Nightmare Mist, I did create the three girls.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own X-men or Thor.**

**Way Number Two:** Dye His Uniform

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><p><em>Beep!<em> _Beep! Beep!_

"Unghh.." a teenage girl with blue-white hair, wearing an ice-blue nightgown, sat up groggily. She turned off the alarm clock reading: 5:00.

She yawned and stretched, looking out of her window at the rising sun. She looked over to her roommate, a 12-year-old girl in black pajamas.

"G'morning," she yawned.

Her younger roommate kept sleeping.

"C'mon, Thunder," she said, walking over to her. "Wake up."

"Zzzzzz…"

She sighed. Why was this kid so impossible to wake up?

She grabbed the girl's mattress and flipped her off the bed.

"Ah!"

The girl glared at her.

"What was that for?"

"I'm sorry, Thunder, but if we don't show up for the Danger Room session, Logan's gonna get really annoyed."

"So? Frostragon, you love annoying him."

"True," Frostragon said thoughtfully, "but I have a grand scheme that I can only pull off if we go to the Danger Room."

Frostragon whispered something in Thunder's ear.

Her eyes widened.

"Frostragon, if you can pull this off…"

"I know!" Frostragon said. "But we'd better change quickly before we're late.

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><p>At the same time, Jaguar was already in her uniform, out in the front of the Institute, using a tree as target practice.<p>

She notched an arrow, releasing it and missing comepletely, instead striking a tree, right next to a very startled woodpecker.

_Beep! Beep! Beep!_

She looked down at her watch. It was 5:00.

"Darnit," she muttered. "I'm gonna be late."

She smiled mischievously.

"Don't want to be late for Frostragon's surprise," she chuckled.

The 16-year-old girl took off for the mansion, and a piece of paper fluttered out of her pocket. It was an elaborate map of the mansion, with several paths leading to a room labeled: Wolverine.

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><p>She made it just in time, running through the sliding doors to the Danger Room.<p>

"You're late," Logan said gruffly.

There were five mutants there other than Jaguar, Frostragon, and Thunder in the Danger Room: Tabitha, Kitty, Jamie, Bobby, and Jubilee.

"You're gonna get put in pairs. Your job is to make sure you and your partner make it to the end of the course. Any questions?"

Kitty raised her hand.

"Like, can I go to the bathroom?"

"No," Logan said.

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Chihuahuas ate my donut!"

Everyone looked at the source of the outburst: Jubilee.

She blushed.

"It's true," she muttered.

While Logan was distracted, Kitty screamed, "Freedom!" and ran for the door. She went straight through it and into the hallway.

"Hey! Half-Pint! Get back here!" Logan yelled.

"Keep training!" he shouted to the surprised students.

Frostragon smiled, having told her about her plan earlier, Kitty had lured Logan away from the Danger Room so she execute her plan.

"While Wolverine's away, the students will play!" Bobby cheered.

"Oh, we'll do more than just play," Frostragon said. She told the other students her plan. "Will you do it?"

"It's risky," Bobby said. "But I'd love to see the look on his face."

"Sounds like fun," Jubilee said with a smile. "I'm in, too."

"You know my answer," Tabby said.

"Jamie?" Frostragon asked, turning to the younger mutant. "What about you?"

"I'll do it," he said.

"Great!" Frostragon exclaimed. "Jaguar, did you remember to install that tracking device on Logan's shoe while he wasn't looking?"

"Yep. Right now he's outside of Kitty's room."

"Good. Does everyone have a walkie-talkie?"

The group nodded.

"Jaguar, do you have the map?"

"Yeah, I-" She frowned. "It was in my pocket earlier this morning."

"That's okay," Frostragon said. "I have one."

She spread out a crumpled-up map of the mansion on the floor of the Danger Room.

"This is Logan's room." She pointed to a room on the first floor with the letter W over it. "He has booby traps here, here, here, here, here, and here." She pointed at six x's in the room. "Tabby, you, Jaguar, Thunder and I will be the ones to infiltrate his room. Jubilee, Bobby, you'll assist Kitty in distracting Logan. Jamie, can you make copies of yourself to give us details on Logan's whereabouts?"

"Yeah!" Jamie said excitedly.

"Okay!" Frostragon shouted "Let's move out!"

All the students ran out to complete their objectives.

Jaguar, Tabitha, Thunder, and Frostragon raced out of the Danger Room.

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><p>"Okay," Jaguar said. "Next left should lead us to the right corridor."<p>

They arrived at Logan's room.

Kitty's voice came on the walkie-talkie.

"Like, Logan is threatening to totally slice up the door, and Bobby's, like, keeping him distracted, but I don't know how much longer it'll last."

"Phase Logan through the door and tell Bobby: Whosoever holds this walkie-talkie, if he be worthy, shall posses the power of Thor..." Frostragon said.

"Like, what?"

"Just tell him to freeze the door shut," Jaguar said into the walkie-talkie.

"Okay."

Jaguar tried to open the door.

"Darnit," she muttered. "It's locked."

"Step aside,"Tabitha said; she formed a little orange sphere and slid it under the door. There was an explosion, and it fell down with a black starburst on the back.

"Well," she said, "come on."

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><p>Logan's room was fairly normal. There was a dresser, a nightstand, some shelves, a desk, a closet, and a computer. But there were also small piles of sliced-up things in every corner, some explosives (thankfully defused) on the shelves, and then there was the thing they had come for: his uniform.<p>

"Thunder, do you have the acrylic paint?" Frostragon asked.

"Yep." Thunder took several pink paint containers from her pocket. "I have some coral, rose, regular pink, and-" she smiled deviously "-hot pink."

"Awesome," Frostragon said. She took the tube labeled: 'hot pink' and poured some on the orange uniform, rubbing it in with her hands. Thunder did the same with the one labeled: 'coral'; Jaguar: 'rose'; Tabby: 'pink'.

Soon, the once-orange uniform was pink, coral, rose, and hot pink.

Jamie's voice came on the walkie-talkie.

"Wolverine's coming-couldn't stop him-hide!" he yelled, obviously panicking.

Footsteps sounded from the hallway outside. The four girls ran into the closet, shutting the door as stealthily as possible.

Wolverine entered his room.

"I don't see why we don't just blow something up and run," Tabby hissed, keeping her voice down.

"We have to wait," chided Jaguar, though her tail lashed in impatience. "We should strike when the moment is right."

Logan turned towards his ruined uniform. Even from behind, Frostragon could tell that he was shocked.

"Now!" Frostragon said. "While he's surprised!"

They snuck—no, more like ran stealthily—out of the room.

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><p>Even in the danger room, they still could hear Logan's cries of anguish as he obviously looked upon his pinkified uniform in horror.<p>

"I'll get you for this!" they heard him shout. "I'll get my revenge on you, whoever you are! Just you wait!"

"That was _awesome_," Thunder said to Frostragon as they were getting to sleep that night.

"Totally," Frostragon agreed.

"But I have a plan even more devious, even more extremely diabolical than this one."

She whispered something to her older roommate.

Frostragon's eyes widened. She stared at Thunder, who was smiling wickedly.

_Could a little 12-year-old kid be capable of coming up with such a wonderful plan, yet one so evil? _Frostragon wondered.

Her unspoken question still unanswered, both girls drifted into a deep, dreamless, blissful sleep.

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><p><strong>*develops deep, dramatic voice* What is this devious plan? Will the girls be able to pull it off? Will Wolverine find out that <strong>_**they**_** pinkified his uniform? If so, what will he do? Tune in next time to find out!**


	3. Way 3

**My apologies for my unfortunate extended absence; please enjoy this chapter. Also, thanks to JottRomyKurtyfan32 for the excellent suggestion (please forgive me for modifying it a tad).**

"**No problem" is from Horrible Histories, not my amazing mind. "Hit it" is Penguins of Madagascar.**

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><p>Way #3:<p>

What is the most terrible sound in the world? The sound of a beloved electronic snatched away? The sound of a pop quiz slapped on your desk? The pffft of your own fart causing snickers in math class? For Wolverine, it was the high-pitched giggle that meant only one thing. Three things actually: Thunder, Frostragon and Jaguar.

The old (or at least Thunder, Frostragon and Jaguar called him old) mutant stopped a younger X-man of about fourth grade age who was speeding away from the laughter.

"What the heck is goin' on?"

"They're doing something!" The boy was terrified. "Something horrible! A monstrosity! Abomination! Scandal! Atrocity! Disgrace! Horror! Outrage! A-"

"I get the idea, bub. What are they doing?"

The boy fainted.

Wolverine left him there (a sacrifice for the greater good) and rocketed downstairs to the source of the cackling: the dining hall.

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><p>Meanwhile, our annoying heroes were faring well.<p>

"That was awesome!"

_Hi-five! Hi-five, hi-five, hi-five!_

Wolverine was pressed flat against a wall, stealth mode engaged. Slowly, he began to shuffle forward, quiet as a frog that had just been eaten by a snake and was currently being digested, but that's a story for another day, an expression that here means "the author is too lazy to write about this and will probably never visit this subject again in their entire career, leaving hundreds of readers confused and annoyed".

"Hiya, Tiny Weasel!"

The adolescent girl who had spoken ducked, barely avoiding decapitation.

"What!?"

"I scared ya!" the wily, dark-haired brat- I mean child- named Thunder cried, prancing about. "Scared ya, scared ya, scared ya!"

"Hi!" A smiling blond girl with brown eyes popped out of the wall. She immediately struck a dramatic pose, fist held high in the air, remaining arm akimbo.

"Ta dah!" she yelled maniacally, waving her fist in the air maniacally and grinning maniacally, displaying her wrist watch maniacally. "It's my 'Invisible-inator 453920'!"

"Bub, I think you've had one too many chocolate bars."

The girl gasped in perfect play-shock.

"Too much chocolate? Moi? Never!" The girl pretended to faint, but, two seconds later, was back up again.

"Anyways, Tiny Weasel-" (Wolverine stiffened at the sound of the vexing name) "-we'd like you to meet, insert drum roll here: dun-DUN-dun-DUN-dun-DUN, Sonja!"

A tall, skinny, thirteen-ish girl with shoulder-length black hair stepped forth from the shadows and flashed a brilliant smile that would've put the Sun to shame.

She said nothing, but the expression in her dark blue eyes said something like "Nice to meet you". Or perhaps "Where are the chocolate-chip cookies?" Probably the first one.

She hasn't chosen a code name yet," Jaguar said with a toothy grin. "But that might just be because she has some… 'unorthodox' methods of communication."

The girl smiled again, her eyes glowing with mischief this time. She opened her mouth. A deep, masculine voice issued from the teenage girl's throat.

"Hit it!"

Suddenly the worst pop music, the kind that makes you wish that you could chop your ear off like a certain well-known artist you may or may not have heard of started issuing from Sonja's gaping mouth.

By the end of the song, which was done in a perfect copy of the original singer's voice and included instruments, Logan's neck hair was on end and his eyes were bugging. If he had nerves of steel (as opposed to the nerves of adamantium he so fortunately possessed) he would've fainted by then.

His mouth gaped open as he floundered for breath.

"Yeah!" Thunder shouted as she gave Sonja a high five that would've caused a T-rex's puny appendages to snap. "And, per request, your five dollars, to be delivered later."

The teenage mutant nodded.

"No… problem?" she said in a man's voice with a German accent, sauntering off.

"Who? What?" Wolverine managed to get out.

"When, where, how?" Frostragon helpfully suggested.

"New recruit," Thunder explained. "She just joined, but she is fantastic! Ya see, she loves pranking people almost as much as we do."

"Yep," Frostragon agreed. "Almost."

"But… but," Wolverine gasped, "What on earth was that girl doing? The music… that horrible, awful music. I'm surprised even my healing factor saved me."

"Well," Jaguar explained, now inexplicably dangling upside-down from the large crystal chandelier, "Sonja has a rather unique ability. She can mimic any sound" she was now right-side up again, but still precariously grasping the chandelier with only one arm "-but can only mimic. That music was a perfect repetition of the original.

"Well," she paused, "technically, it's a recording of a recording. She heard that song on Thunder's MP3 player, but you're probably not in the mood for my ramblings. Anyway," she dropped from the chandelier, silently landing on the pure white tablecloth, "She is just plain amazing. We're gonna be bros for life!"

"Yeah!" shouted the three girls in unison, performing a three-way fist bump.

"It's really nice having someone who shares our interests," Thunder grinned wistfully. "She was so excited when she heard about us painting your uniform various shades of pink… Oh no. I said that out loud… Awkward… EVERYBODY RUN!"

"You little PUNNNNKSSSS!"

_SNIKT!_

Wolverine dove at the three girls, who disappeared at his touch.

"What the-"

"Hologram, Wolvie," Jaguar smiled. "Just one of my little toys. We were technically never here."

"But you high-fived her!"

"A very clever trick of the light," Frostragon replied.

"Now if you'll excuse us," said Thunder, "we'll continue to clean the X-Jet, which makes it a whole…" she checked her wristwatch "10 minutes of work. Wow, it felt like 10.00000000000001 minutes."

"Well," Jaguar said, "Bye-bye!"

The holograms faded.

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><p>"You know," Frostragon said, polishing the X-jet's wing, "Thunder, your plan was one of a mad genius. Brilliant."<p>

"Yeah, but someone else deserves that title."

Thunder nodded at Jaguar, who was on top of the X-Jet, scrubbing.

The roommates shared a knowing smile.

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><p>That night, as Frostragon and Thunder were dosing off, the thrill of a lifetime snuck up on their semi-peaceful lives.<p>

A figure cloaked in dark vestments stood before them, light spilling in from the open doorway. Shadows cloaked the intruder's face, obscuring its expression. It raised a short, triangular object, and, standing over the sleeping girls, raised the more slender of its ends to its lips and-

"Wake up!" Jaguar whispered into the megaphone. Nothing happened. "Alright," the girl in her dark gray footie pajamas muttered to herself. "Hard way."

She walked over to the girls' beds and, swiftly and without the least bit of hesitation, smacked them upside the head. The girls, that is. Not the beds.

"Ow-mphh!" Thunder screamed, cut off when Frostragon clamped her hand over the young girl's mouth.

"Shut it. Jaguar's payin' a visit, that's all."

She released Thunder.

"So, Jaguar, waddaya want? It's, um, 1:47! A.M.!"

"Well," said Jaguar, her voice low. "I've been working on a project. It's about time you see it."

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><p><strong>No offense to fans of pop music, I listen to it myself. Also, pat on the back to anyone who can guess which artist I'm talking about who cut off his ear. Hint: he was a painter.<strong>

**See ya! ;D**


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